Dr. Charles Wilson on Conflict Management

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=288682" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#CCCCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="31800640egdysm.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#000066" FACE="Tahoma" ><B>The Message</b></FONT><FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Tahoma" ><B> </b></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Tahoma" ><B> </b></FONT><B>|   </b><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Message"><U><B>The Message Home Page</b></U></A><B> </b><B> |  </b><A HREF="small_group_communication_by_lynn_meade.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Small Group Home Page"><U><B>Small Group Home Page</b></U></A><B>  </b><B> |  </b><A HREF="id23.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U><B>Contact Me</b></U></A></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> A Communication Website by Lynn Meade</div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=150 BGCOLOR="#0000BF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <U>Dr. Charles Wilson's Conflict Resolution Lecture</U></div> <bR> <div> <B>Flow of Discussion</b></div> <div> Enter on the Human side, then on the business side</div> <div> You may alternate between the two but always exit on the human side</div> <bR> <div> <B>Hooks</b></div> <div> Things that people do to make you enter into nonproductive communication</div> <div> Two people can't tango if one is not talking</div> <div> Skip the hook, go to the human side</div> <div> Once you swallow the hook, you are hooked</div> <div> Hooks can be: Statements, body language, threats, tapes, discounts.</div> <div> Used so someone can get their way.</div> <div> When hooks are used the end result will never be accomplished. </div> <bR> <div> <B>Three Types of People</b></div> <bR> <div> <B>Thinking- Cognition</b></div> <div> Start our processing with thought:  I understand, I think, Come let us reason together</div> <div> They reason with only one side of their brain at a time. </div> <div> Goes through the steps and then the end product.</div> <div> How did you get here? "First I got into my car..."</div> <div> To manage behavior, use reason: Don't touch the stove because it is hot and you will get burned. </div> <div> Example: "Get a giant candy bar for me at the store." "There were no giant candy bars so I didn't get you one because it is not on the list."</div> <div>  In trauma people revert back to the communication they were comfortable with as a child: " What's going on with me, I want to know"</div> <div> <B>Feeling- Affection</b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I feel</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Global assessors- think from all the brain at once</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Breathe from only the top third of their lungs</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Goes to end product first and then the steps</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">How did you get here, "I drove, First I...."</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">To manage behavior, use guilt and shame: If you touch the stove, Dad will be disappointed in you.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Example: "Get a giant canybar for me at the store." "They didn't have giant so I bought you a large, medium, and small, does that make you feel better?"</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> In trauma people revert back to the communication they were comfortable with as a child: "I want someone with a good bedside manner."</div> <div> <B>Doing -Experiential</b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">How did you get here? "What do you mean?"</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">To manage behavior, let them experience it: Put chills hand on hot stove.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Example: "Get a giant candy bar for me at the store." This person drives around the block, walks down all the aisles and comes back with a can of beans and asks, "Is this what you wanted?"</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> In trauma people revert back to the communication they were comfortable with as a child: "Do something."</div> <bR> <div> <B>When Transacting</b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You must function on the thinking side first. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Reason is the best way to start communication through the model. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Deal with the facts first, when you become emotional, you loose your reasoning. </div> <bR> <div> <B>People tend to respond with the same patterns every time</b></div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Neural Linguistic Programing</U></b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Communication is only 7% Words</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Number one repair building technique is to breathe like they do. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Muscle memory is the strongest memory</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Remember people have large space in front, approach from the side</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Sit on their side of the table</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Don't let the way you do things get in the way before you get to the point</div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Thoughts on Anger</U></b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Are you a volcano or a crock pot?  These are the one emotion but different reactions</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Don't ever try to reason with an angry man. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">There are not bad people, just bad processes. </div> <bR> <div> <B>He suggests research from the following: Bandler, Grinder, Emotional Intelligence.</b></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.uct.ac.za/projects/cbe/mcqman/mcqappc.html" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.uct.ac.za/projects/cbe/mcqman"><U>Bloom's Taxonomy</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3D0911226192/104-8446743-6369510" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN%3"><U>Amazon's Link to Frogs into Princes</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553375067/qid=1018967049/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_83_1/104-8446743-6369510" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0"><U>Amazon's Link to the Book on Emotional Intelligence</U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="394" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" BGCOLOR=#FFFFFF > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFF33 HEIGHT= 26 WIDTH="115"><div> <B>I See It</b></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <B><---------------></b></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFF33><NOBR><div> <B>You See It</b></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 26 WIDTH="115"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="26" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="115" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="131"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="26" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="131" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="132"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="26" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="132" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 26 WIDTH="115"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="26" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="115" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#FFFF66><NOBR><div> <B>The Way it Is</b></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="132"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="26" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="132" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></b></div> <bR> <div> We tend to bounce between the way I see it </div> <div> and the way you see it and never get to the way it is</div> <bR> <div> Try: I don't know what it is about socks on the floor that bothers me: Remember to own the issue. </div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>Platform Skills</U></b></div> <div> <B>Credibility and Approachability are the Platform Skills</b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You want to be believed and you want to be approachable</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Keep hands below the waist and make eye contact- this is a credible stance</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Move then from a credible stance to an approachable stance</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">When your hands come above your waist you become approachable.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Monitoring your nonverbals cause people to want to hear what you have to say and helps make sure people hear you say it. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Roll hands to say talk to me</div> <bR> <div> TOPS- Theory of Participation- Institution of ?    ICA</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.gov.on.ca/OMAFRA/english/rural/facts/95-073.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.gov.on.ca/OMAFRA/english/rura"><U>A Quick Reference Guide for Facillitators</U></A>   This link includes Orid and brainstorming and much more!  Very useful reference. </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Discussion Model of Managing Conflict</b></div> <div> <TABLE BORDER="2" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="505" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 26 WIDTH="133"><div> <B>Objective</b></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="117"><div> <B>Reaction</b></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="127"><div> <B>Interpret</b></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <B>Decision</b></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 57 WIDTH="133"><div> Fact</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="117"><div> Feeling</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> Underlying Values</div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="95"><div> Decisions in reaction to the values</div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 38 ><NOBR><div> Info as I see it</div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="117"><div> Don't use the word "feel"</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="127"><div> " I think people should"</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="95"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="38" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="95" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 38 ><NOBR><div> What I see, hear</div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="117"><div> "Makes me Mad"</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="127"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="38" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="127" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="95"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="38" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="95" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 57 WIDTH="133"><div> Facts</div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="117"><div> Let them vent, write it hear and keep it here. </div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="127"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="57" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="127" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="95"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="57" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="95" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> Put Flip Charts Left to Right</div> <div> Write exactly the word they say in the words they use and then ask, "Is this what you said?"</div> <div> People do not argue with their own data.</div> <div>  </div> <div> <B>Different people relate facts according to their senses</b></div> <div> See-- Do you see what I say</div> <div> Hear--That sounds good to me</div> <div> Touch-- Muscle memory is the strongest</div> <div> Most information is related in these three senses</div> <bR> <div> <B>Brainstorming</b></div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Get big sticky notes</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Have each person write one thought per sticky note on each of the columns of discussion: He used money, people, and education.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Collect the sticky notes and put on board  or wall crooked (to remember that they haven't been discusses)</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Read each, ask if everyone understands, if they don't ask the person who wrote it to clarify.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Put that sticky note on the board straight</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Go through each and then rearrange by groups. </div> <bR> <div> There are only Four of Five Options to Decisions</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Social Issues</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Spiritual or internal direction issues (not religion)</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Physical Issues</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Emotional Mental Issues</div> <bR> <div> <B>Thoughts on Firing</b></div> <div> This is happening</div> <div> This is not the behavior I expect</div> <div> Is there some problem that I can help with</div> <div> You are firing yourself</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Misc Rabbit Chasers</b></div> <div> Hypnosis is nothing more than keying in on nonverbal. </div> <div> Anchoring is a form of behavioral modification ties to nonverbals.</div> <div> Learn to be a change agent and handle conflict as it comes</div> <div> Don't ever underestimate the power of experience</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>